Getting ready to go back to work!

I visited school again on Wednesday and brought the staff homemade marshmallows and went around visiting teachers and finding out where my substitute teacher left off with the kids. 

The words still bouncing around my head are my principal saying to me with a teasing smile, “Are you ready to come back? Your vacation is over!” Thanks, man. Thanks. I have two weeks left. Let me enjoy them! But yes. Then. Back to work. It’s always hard for me to get back into the right mindset after a long break. I sometimes get depressed. So I’m already coming up with ideas of what to do with the kids this semester to prepare myself mentally. Grading again and… getting kids to listen to me… and teaching. I can do this, I can do this. Plus time managing so I can spend time with Gracie at home and still get enough sleep! Deep breaths.

It was also important to make myself talk to the sub about what to start with in the spring semester. Because that also helps with the mental preparedness. She has left me in a really great place with my all my classes, especially my newcomer group. She knew exactly what curriculum to use and how to get going with them, and it seems like she worked the students hard and kept up with recoding grades in our online system. A couple of my students saw me while I was visiting another teacher and said, “Our teacher says you’re strict? Are you strict?” Apparently, the three weeks I spent with them at the beginning of the school year is long forgotten. “YES,” I said. “SO STRICT.”

Birthdays and exercising!

My birthday night in Estes was AMAZING. Two of the girls didn’t know each other beforehand but it was like we had all known each other for years. We laughed and talked and didn’t notice that it took about 40 minutes to order our food for dinner, and another 30 to actually get it… and then we talked and laughed in a hot tub. A bachelorette brought us leftover tacos from their party (she was getting married in the morning) and we conversed with a man and his nice 6th grader son. Bree enjoyed messing with him a little and asking him her new favorite joke, a pickup line that someone told her at school. “Did you fart…? Because you blew me away.” While we giggled our hearts out, the kid looked at her blankly and then said to his dad, “You’re the one who usually farts…” Then we drank and talked and laughed and finally fell asleep in our lovely hotel room. It was amazing.

The kickboxing challenge ended and I lost almost 15 pounds. Then I had a birthday celebration and people gave me treats so I’m trying to get back in the mindset of healthy eating. :) I didn’t want to quit exercising so I signed up at our local Chilson Recreation Center for a 10-day pass to check out some of the classes. The daycare there accepts babies who are over three months but you have to call in advance and grab a timeslot because they only allow one baby at a time (which is nice to know that they cap it). I went to a step class Tuesday morning. There were maybe 10 people in the class on a Tuesday at 9:10 a.m. And they were all regulars except for me and this one other guy.

When I arrived, other participants rushed to show me where the steps are, and how to put pads underneath so it doesn’t slide. The instructor after the warmup came over to shake my hand and ask for my name. “Don’t get frustrated, just keep moving,” she said. It was funny and sweet because I HAVE been to classes where I don’t know what’s going on, everyone. But it was incredibly heart-warming to have that nice a welcome to an aerobics class. During class, she kept checking in on me and the other guy, “How are you doing, Jessica?” Thumbs up, Cindy! By the end of the class, she was adding so many twists and turns that all I did was shuffle around awkwardly so she was probably right to heap on the encouragement. :) Another lady told me that she teaches a class on Thursdays at 6:50 that goes over the basic steps. “In the morning?” I thought but didn’t say. “Um, nope.” I kind of like the challenge of the Step II class anyway.

On Thursday, Mom and I went to a “Power Pump” class where we used weights and did strengthening exercises. It was OK. Then we went swimming on Friday and I convinced her to go in the outdoor hot tub with me. “But it’s so cold,” she complained. But then she enjoyed it. :) I love swimming. Also, my baby? SHE IS THE CUTEST.

Baby milestones

Gracie is 15 weeks old and will be four months at the end of December. Two milestones so far this week.

She has slept through the night, 11 hours at a time, since Friday, Dec. 13 (weird, on Friday the 13th!). That was the night Mom and Dad watched her while I had a girl’s night in Estes Park for my birthday. And I told my mom, “Remember, you have to listen for her because she’ll get up at 3 or 4 a.m. to eat!” And she DIDN’T. And I was like, hey, no fair! But then she has continued this habit ever since (knock on wood - now she’ll probably wake up every two hours tonight). On Saturday night, I woke up at 4 and couldn’t fall asleep again for the next few hours because I’m so used to getting up with her. And I kinda missed our little middle of the night bonding sesh where she stares up at me adoringly. But then I was like, no, guess what, you get more deeper sleep now, which is good, because you gotta go back to work soon! Enjoying it while it lasts because who knows if developmental leaps will cause her to relapse!

Gracie laughed for the first time at around 8 p.m. Tuesday, Dec. 17. I was changing her and about to put her in pajamas and did what I always do, blew a raspberry on her tummy and made goofy noises at her just awaiting the moment when she genuinely responds. Usually, she just stares up at me, maybe smiles because she’s staring at my face and she likes it. But THIS time, she did a hiccupy giggle, hih-hih-hih, where she inhaled quick and successively. It blew my mind so I repeated the same action another dozen times while yelling for mom and dad to come in, and she did almost the same reaction every time. You’d think by my reaction that she had suddenly learned to walk and say “Mama.” But still, she GIGGLED, instead of just staring at me blankly, she RESPONDED APPROPRIATELY. Gracie, you are the best.

(Yes, yes, I know I’m not the only one to have ever had a kid. But I’VE never had a kid before so I’m enjoying my joy).

Maternity Leave

The first few weeks of maternity leave were TOUGH because I didn’t feel well, I was sleeping on a couch sitting up because of c-section stitches, and I was getting up several times a night to feed Gracie or try to pump. It’s a blur of surviving and getting to know my new baby. I had this overwhelming sense of impeding doom/fear/excitement/worry/trepidation. I had thoughts of: life is so brief and my parents will die some day and I love them so much and they’re so supportive so how will I bear it and will they get to see Gracie grow up? And will I be alone forever? Will I have to do it on my own forever and will Gracie have siblings? And is Gracie going to survive or will I wake up one night and she’s not breathing? And it would be nice to go on family vacations with a husband! Etc., Etc. Thoughts exacerbated by hormonal upheaval and sleepless nights.

I survived all that by praying quite a bit and coming to the conclusion to live in the moment and enjoy what life is giving me now and not worry about the future and everything that could possibly go wrong. And God sure has blessed me so I thank him for that and am just enjoying where my life has taken me. A year ago I had just started taking steps to TRY to have a baby. And look! WHAT? I have one! And she’s the most marvelous thing I’ve ever made.

After about six weeks, I was basically completely healed and I felt GOOD again for the first time in like a year! I wasn’t pregnant anymore and I was suddenly realizing how AWESOME that was. I could eat uncured meat and drink alcohol again! And I could move around without every muscle in my back and hip aching for days. Since I wasn’t working yet, I had time to do things!

So I restarted a blog, and I designed a children’s book for Gracie. I’m going to read it to her as soon as she is able to comprehend things and tell her the story of her birth. I don’t want it to be a surprise that I spring on her one day, I want her to know how she came to be from the very beginning. So the story has simple language when she’s a baby, accompanied by my crude illustrations, and then along the sides or bottom, it has the complete story full of details, which is basically what I wrote here in this blog.

Also, I looked in a mirror and was like, “Enough is enough!” so I responded to a Facebook ad for a kickboxing challenge in Fort Collins. The challenge went for six weeks and this is the last week. I was supposed to lose 25 pounds or six percent body fat. I’ve lost about 12 pounds so far so I may not make it by Friday. However, I feel good that I’ve taken the stepping stone of exercising and getting in shape again. And that I made SOME progress.

Now it’s December and I have just a few weeks until Jan. 6, when I return to school. THAT will take some getting used to again! This has been a glorious time of bonding with my adorable daughter and spending time with family. I have to get my head back in the game of commuting to work and making a difference in middle schoolers’ lives and not being able to take mid-day naps! While still possibly attending to Gracie in the middle of the night!

Front and back page of my book for Gracie:

A few inside pages:

Kickboxing:

It's my birthday

Today is my birthday. I am 40. As each birthday has passed, approaching this day, I’ve dreaded turning 40 more and more because I hadn’t started a family, I hadn’t met a man to enjoy life with. I tried to tell myself that I didn’t need to wait for life to start until I had a family; that a man wasn’t the end all to life, that children are sticky and messy and keep you up at night. And for the most part, I’ve had a great life. I love my family and my nephews and my friends and my job. But you know, I WANTED children! I got sad when I saw moms and their cute kids at the store, when I saw my friends on Facebook getting married and having kids, when I watched my sister with her family, and all the special little moments with her boys (and I’ve enjoyed some special moments with them, too!). It’s just that envy I think one gets because of social media, and how perfect everyone else’s lives look! So I constantly reminded myself that I had a great life, and also I stayed off Facebook. :)

So I’m turning 40. And it’s still annoying because I still feel like I'm 25. But I couldn’t feel more lucky that I’m starting a new adventure with Gracie.

Starting the holidays!

Gracie is 14 weeks old, and just turned 3 months! Her sleeping has settled into a routine for the moment. She goes to bed around 7-8 p.m. and sleeps eight hours before she starts making noises to be fed around 3:30-5 a.m. After that feeding, she sleeps another three to four hours until 7:30-8:30 a.m. Mom used to take her for part of the night when she woke up multiple times a night, but now it’s all me. I feel like I get a pretty good night sleep, as long as I go to bed by 9 p.m.! I continue to be blessed by Mom and Dad being willing to get her up sometimes, or watch her while I run to the store, etc. 

Gracie seems to love getting changed and hanging out on her changing table while I change her diaper and dress her. She only gets mad about it in the middle of the night when she’s hungry. A few nights ago, she slept for 11 straight hours and I woke up a few times, petrified and checked on her like three different times.

She talks at me a lot right after she wakes up, cooing and making “o” faces and being absolutely adorable. That lasts about 30 minutes and then it’s a downhill spiral to her next nap. :). 

Emmet likes to include her in everything going on. Like when we played a game the boys invented where one person was Santa while the others pretended to sleep upstairs, and then “Santa” would loudly proclaim he was leaving, and all the “kids” would race downstairs to find out what toys Santa had left them. When I got there, Emmet was all, “So when Gracie is Santa, someone will have to hold her,” automatically including her in the proceedings like it was obvious she would be playing. Both boys also like to get super close, touching her face and hands until she gets annoyed.

During Thanksgiving week, we went with Danielle’s family, Mom and Dad and Nathan to Steamboat Springs for a few days before Thanksgiving Day. It was nice to hang out with the family! Benjamin and Emmet immediately got absorbed into the condo we rented, and we didn’t hear from them for hours as they played in the various rooms. We took two cars; Danielle and Ben’s large Flex Ford, and Nathan’s Tesla. Gracie and I got to ride in the Tesla and it was amazing, although Gracie was fussy most of the way. 

We cooked meals in the condo and swam two different evenings at the hot springs. I got a 6-9 month swimming suit for Gracie at my baby shower, and it fit okay over her size 3 swim diaper, which was the smallest size I could find (she just turned three months and has just started wearing size 2 diapers). Gracie is tolerant of water and accepted being in the hot springs, which was a moderate temperature for all the kids (like bath water). She seemed to accept the experience but not particularly love it. 

Nathan always seems to have an interesting experience on road trips with his Tesla. On the second night we were there, he plugged his car into a handy plugin that was next to his parking space (in a garage door wall). The next morning, he came out to find the plug had been yanked out of both the wall and the plugin port of his car. The cord was missing and the port was damaged, so that it was unable to be charged again. The Tesla recorded some video showing the cord lying in the middle of the road and a snow plow running over it. Our theory is that a black bear (which we saw the night before!) may have messed with the plug and pulled it out of the wall, leaving it in the street, and then the plow yanked it out of the car, damaging the port.

Wednesday morning, with about 78 percent power, Nathan, Mom, and Dad drove straight to a service center in Denver, about 3.5 hours away. They made it with 17 percent power left!

We had a wonderful Thanksgiving Dinner on Thursday at my sister’s mother-in-law’s house. There was a table filled with appetizers, and three differently-prepared turkeys! I made my signature mashed potatoes and chocolate mousse pie.