Sleeping

Emmet and Benjamin are completely in love with their cousin. Emmet likes to say, “Can I hold her, can I hold her?” every five minutes, which is a hassle because it involves a boppy and a couch with an arm. Benjamin likes to jump up and down and make silly faces, which sometimes, she responds to by stopping mid-cry in surprise at this new development.

Gracie has the widest, prettiest eyes in all the land. Sometimes, after her middle-of-the-night feeding, she’ll look up at me with those large, soulful eyes as if to say, “Well, we’re all up now, what should we do? Maybe a craft?” Cooing and smiling and my heart melts, even as I’m thinking, “Go back to sleep, child.” I’ve learned that I can rock her and put her back in her crib and she’ll cry a little bit and then go back to sleep. 

Sleeping is that thing one strives for as a new parent. So far (KNOCK ON WOOD), she's a great sleeper. Which makes me SOOO happy. Especially since this isn't always the case! My friend's daughter didn't sleep through the night until she was four! I told Gracie early on that she had to be a good sleeper. So far, she's listening.

Baby and I co-slept for the first couple months. Yes, we co-slept! While I’m normally a pretty athletic sleeper who will find myself on various sides of the bed in the middle of the night, I slept still as a rock every night she was in bed with me. I think it’s instinctual, the knowledge that there’s a tiny human next to you so the body tells itself, “don’t crush the tiny human!” I found that we both slept better when she was next to me because I could reach over and pat her if she fussed, and I could easily sit up and feed and change her. Occasionally, I'd put her on my tummy to cuddle her and help her fall asleep, and then I'd wake up a couple hours later, surprised that time had passed and she was still there, a little bundle on my tummy with her hands curled at my collar bone.

A few weeks ago, we started putting her in her crib to sleep. I didn’t sleep as well the first couple of nights, but now I sleep better because I’m not waking up every time she makes a tiny noise. I do have to tiptoe in to check that she’s still alive sometimes, though. Like when she slept for nine straight hours and I shot out of bed, completely terrified that she wasn't breathing. (She was).

Also. Shhh. She sleeps on her tummy. Her head is strong and she’ll whip it from side to side to get comfortable, but she sleeps really well on her tummy. So. Don’t tell anyone because this is against the rules.

Sleeping has gotten so much better and it’s no longer a matter of getting through each night and dreading them as they approach (knock on wood). So that’s nice for now. However, I hear tell that she’ll make a developmental leap at four months and will suck at sleeping well at night again so. I have that to look forward to. :)

I was supposed to go back Dec. 2 to start work. However, due to the fact that it’ll be really hard to go back to school three weeks before Christmas break when I’ll have to get the kids used to my routines only to start over again after Christmas, and the fact that my sub really wanted to finish the semester with the kids… I asked to extend my leave through Christmas. Which means I don’t go back until Jan. 6. Which is just marvelous because I get extra time with my kid and a little more sleep before I have to start making the commute to work again!

Also, apparently people at work are nervous about me and my commute. It’ll be fine. I love what I do and who I work with, and I love where I live. So I have to deal (with a 55 minute drive to work and back each day). People in California do it. I can do it. And I get lots of breaks as a teacher! I can do this!

Breast feeding... or not

Gracie is 10 weeks old now. She makes me feel happy and full and terrified and overwhelmed and at peace and petrified. You know. The feelings of being a mom. She’s in a tentative routine now that could change at any moment. She has been going to sleep these last couple of weeks between 7:30 and 9 p.m. and sleeping 6-8 hours before waking once and sleeping another 3-4 hours! The Internet says babies often sleep better when they’re bottle-fed. Oh yeah. She’s bottle-fed. It’s not because I didn’t want to breast feed. It’s because after she was born, I found out that my boobs were broken. 

I had a breast reduction at age 25. Not that you would notice because they got HUGE during pregnancy. Just so, so big. I remember the doctor who did the reduction saying she thought she had saved my milk ducts pretty well. I think maybe she saved like five of them or something (the Internet says each breast has 15-20 ducts). I wasn’t producing much colostrum and also, my nipples didn’t want to play nice. Gracie just couldn’t latch while in the hospital so the nurses made me pump every couple of hours to keep the milk flowing. 

Then began the saga of trying to breast feed. I tried getting her to latch, which involved many a session of me wrestling a screaming infant to my breast while mom assisted with positioning her on a pillow (did I say that my boobs were HUGE). I tried using a nipple guard, which is placed over the nipple that the infant should be able to suck on and through, but it always slipped and got dislodged. When I went to the baby’s first doctor’s visit after the hospital, the pediatrician asked me the same question every doctor liked to start with, “So how is breastfeeding going?” I told her I had had a breast reduction so it wasn’t going well so far. “Oh,” she said a little grimly. “I’ve been in this field for over 15 years and I have to say that only a handful of mothers who had surgery produced very much milk.” I teared up because it was heartbreaking to think I wouldn’t be one of those normal moms that breastfed and gave all their nutrients to their kids and decreased the risk of viruses and infections… All those things you learn about why you have to breast feed. She rushed on to say that it was OK to not breast feed, that my baby would still grow up perfectly fine and healthy, and she was sorry she’d put her foot in her mouth. Then she sent me home with about five cans of infant formula.

Two days after leaving the hospital, I attended a lactation support group. All the other moms sat there, their babies serenely suckling away in various holds at regular, modest sized breasts. Meanwhile, Mom and I wrestled a screaming baby to my pillow boobs, while trying to work with a nipple guard and a little tube of milk attached to my shirt, so that the baby would be sucking on something and learn to latch. The doctor walked around to check on the others, and then sat with me most of the time offering tips and advice. Mom and I were both sweaty and practically panting at the end and I left, traumatized and determined NEVER to go back. 

I continued to pump for the next few days (and put away the nipple guard and the stupid little tube thing). I only produced a couple tablespoons each time, which I added to Gracie’s bottle. There finally came a day when I said, “It’s OK to stop.”

I had to come to terms with not feeling like a failure as a woman and mother. And somehow not feeling guilty that I wasn’t giving my baby my life-giving milk. Then I talked to many women who had found that breast feeding wasn’t for them, or that they weren’t producing enough for their baby so they stopped. And I had to tell myself that it was OK to bottle feed. Plus, there are many benefits. My nipples aren’t sore. I can bring a bottle anywhere with me and not have to whip out a boob. I get more sleep at night. 

When Gracie woke up every couple hours, my mom routinely came to get her at 5 a.m. to give me a break and do her last feeding of the night, which made me feel not alone and safe because I had support. She’s better than a husband in some ways!

That first night out of the hospital, my parents went to bed and I sat there on the couch where I slept for the next couple of weeks (because I couldn’t sleep lying down yet due to the c-section). I stared at my newborn infant, who stared back at me with wide eyes, and I started crying because I was freaked out and scared and felt very alone that there was no one to share the burden with me, who had ownership in this with me. I wondered for the first time if I had made the right decision. Then my mom came down at around 2 a.m. and said she would take Gracie to bed with her and I worshiped at her feet in gratitude. I wasn’t alone. I have the best family in the world.