Getting ready to move

More in June:

Around March and April I started looking for a place to buy, because my roommate was moving out of the condo I shared with her. Then it turned out that my landlord was willing to sell my condo to me! I closed on it June 12. Later, I decided to move in with my parents for one or two years and rent out that condo to others to pay the mortgage, while getting the support I need with the baby. :) My parents decided to renovate the basement for me to live in. On several occasions, Danielle, Nathan, Ben and I came over to our parents’ house to clear out the garage and basement. We got rid of junk and organized junk and got it ready for renovation. (So many tubes of wrapping paper and tissue paper and why are there so many jars?)

I now own a place! On July 5, my family helped me move half my stuff into a storage unit, and half to their house. Boxes were everywhere. The basement wasn't ready yet, so I was staying in an upstairs bedroom until that was finished. The lower bedroom that used to be mom’s office has been repainted as the baby's room. 

And let me pause for a moment to say that my parents are amazing. I've gently suggested several changes to their home, and Mom's first response was always. "Nope. No thank you. No way." And then she'd cave when she saw the wisdom of the plan. Because she loves me and it was the smartest thing! First, her office was the downstairs bedroom (which used to be our playroom when we were little and then my bedroom in high school). I suggested she could maybe move her office to an upstairs bedroom so that this room could be the baby room. "No," she said. Because the office is her baby. "That would be way too much work."

"Well, maybe we could do that," Dad said.

Mom finally gave a big sigh and gave in. Danielle and I came over one day to clean out her office and help her throw stuff away and suggest that maybe she didn't need QUITE so many Jehovah's Witness literature (to convert them to Christianity when they come to the door). Then I suggested, maybe we could install real carpet in the baby's room instead of the piece of carpet now lying over the old yellow linoleum that originally came with the house 40 years ago. And also, I suggested, maybe we could get the shower working again in the dowstairs bathroom that has always been a storage closet since my parents' moved into this house, so I wouldn't have to share my dad's shower. That one was another firm no - more an overwhelmed sigh at everything that had to get done, and then she surprised me by having it fixed the very weekend I went into labor! (More on the shower later)

Danielle and I came to help paint the baby room one day and it was like the work kept going on and on. Mom had agreed to install carpet, so we ripped up the old carpet that was just laying on top of old yellow linoleum, then we realized we really should get rid of the popcorn ceiling, so we scraped that down. Well, they scraped and I applied water since I was feeling baby more and more! And we never got to painting that day. Then Mom paid her handyman friend to actually paint the room, which was AMAZING so we didn't have to come back and paint. He also ripped up the yellow linoleum. 

I came back one day and painted a big white tree on the wall, which is where we’d add decals of leaves and butterflies that we’d have people cut out at my baby shower.

My family helped be at the condo a few times to paint and clean. I also met with a property manager and decided to use her to relieve the burden on myself. And then I hoped desperately to fill the place.

Starting the summer...

June 2019

My app said Gracie was the size of a jicama (about 3 ¾ pounds)! I bet everyone can visualize that now. That’s apparently a white-fleshed, edible tuber, used in Mexican cooking. (So my Mexican cousins might get it. :)) 

I started having to use the restroom a little more often towards the end of the school year as well. We had several in-class parties where some kids brought gifts. The school year ended and this crazy busy summer began. My wonderful roommate Christy moved out and before she did, we went camping. That was great… and hard because I’ve started to feel like a beached whale, so sleeping on a blow up mattress near the floor wasn’t great.

My family went on two mini trips right after school got out, one to California to see our cousins and a couple uncles, and one on Tour de Nebraska. We brought the nephews with us on the bike tour. I didn’t bike this time, just hung out with the family. It was a little hot and we walked a lot and my feet started swelling often and I was feeling large! Also my hips ached, my lower back ached… Basically my body was miserable. Then I saw this overweight, pregnant woman sitting on the grass at an event in California, and she looked HUGE and I was like, oh great, I have that to look forward to.

California

Tour de Nebraska

Sleeping was often a struggle. I had nights where I tossed and turned because I couldn't get the pillows, right. I bought a maternity C-shaped pillow, which seemed to help for awhile. Later, I started stacking pillows up high so I could sleep at a more upright position. That also helped because also, my BOOBS WERE SO HUGE and I found myself feeling strangled in them and also like it’s too hard to struggle out of bed at night if I’m flat. Also, I went to the bathroom 3-5 times a night, depending on how much water I drank close to bed time. And my feet were always super swollen by evening. 

I might be pregnant!

I went to an appointment on a Thursday to check my follicles. The tech said my follicles looked great. My partner teacher  has been so wonderful and sweet about covering me while I’ve gone to appointments. She has been so supportive.

I went to the appointment and was told later that day that things looked good and I needed to start on Clomid (to develop more than one egg) that very night. I took that medication for five days and went back for another ultrasound the following Thursday. At that ultrasound, the tech said I had a couple of healthy eggs developing and I might be ready to take the trigger shot that night.

I had also checked my ovulation that morning. I had gotten a solid smiley, which I thought meant high ovulation but not peak ovulation yet. I talked to the nurse that evening and she said, “No, that’s a surge! We have to inseminate tomorrow!” The available appointment was at 1:30 p.m., which was unfortunate because it was Dec. 14, the very day I’d been planning our first school spelling bee for weeks. The bee was scheduled for 2 p.m. and we were going to start setting up at 1:30 p.m. I told the nurse I had to be there for my spelling bee! She said it was possible they could get me in at 1 at the soonest, but she’d have to check with the lab people who “wash” the specimen.

I happened to be at a birthday dinner with my friends the night I realized I had to be inseminated the next day. I wondered aloud if I should just skip this month of insemination They told me, “spelling bee or… baby that could change your life…?” They agreed to to take over the bee for me if I didn"t make it back in time. I love these guys.

I drove home after dinner and went straight to Ben and Danielle’s house. Both months, I had had the trigger shots sent directly to their house since they are often home during the day. This time the trigger shot was a different medication, Novarel (because I was doing the Clomid route). We had to mix a liquid into a powder and then pull it into the syringe. Again, Ben acted like a pro about the whole thing, mixed up the solution, and injected it into my hip.

The nurse called me in the morning and said they could do 1 p.m.  And thus began my stressful day of trying to be impregnated and pull off our first school spelling bee. I left at the start of my lunch hour. My partner teacher watched my 5th period class after lunch. I raced to the Denver office, 27 minutes away. They got me in quickly but the nurse had a hard time putting in the speculum at first. It felt like she was digging around down there. The pain was excruciating and I kept clenching down. “Try to relax, the speculum isn’t staying in,” the nurse said, also sounding frustrated. “Did you have problem last time?” “No, it went fine,” I said through gritted teeth. She finally said she wanted to check my chart and left the room. 

I looked at my watch and groaned at the minutes ticking by. It was about 1:20. She came back with another nurse. “I’ve brought reinforcements,” she said. This other nurse was amazing and confident. “First, let’s scoot your hips to the end of the table. Now, let’s raise this part of the table up to elevate your hips…” In went the speculum and catheter, completely without pain, and the insemination was over. I was putting on my underwear while the first nurse was still in the room. “Got to get to a spelling bee!” I said.

I made it back by 1:57 p.m. Parents were sitting in the library, kids were all ready to go in their seats. We just waited for the bell and our second judge to arrive, and got started. The spelling bee went great and it took us about 12 rounds to come up with two champions! :) 

After the bee, I sat down for a few minutes and just breathed, thinking about how it had all worked out and I’d gotten through the day! (And about how I might be getting pregnant at that very moment!)

Then I waited another two weeks. That wait is so difficult because you hope so hard that something good is going to happen, but you’re also getting ready for disappointment. “You won’t have to do another round,” my friend B told me confidently. 

I attended a “Lady’s Night” at church with mom and really felt a God moment. I felt like God was blessing me and the idea of a baby, and I felt touched by him for the first time in a long time. 

I finally took a pregnancy test on Wednesday, Dec. 26. It showed the control line and a second faint pink line. I texted my sister and we both googled what a light line means. Could mean early pregnancy where the hSG hasn’t had a chance to get more concentrated. Could mean an evaporation line.

I texted it to my best friend J, who said, “You’re pregnant, girl. You’re very pregnant.” She immediately drove over with baby H. I kept saying, “I might be pregnant!!” And she said, “There’s no might, you are pregnant.”

I took the test again Thursday morning and got the same result. Friday is when I was ACTUALLY supposed to take the test so I decided to buy another brand and take it again Friday just to cross-check. I took three tests on Friday; all positive. I called CCRM, who told me to go in for a blood test on Monday. I drove to Louisville for the blood test. They called me later that afternoon with the result. “Congratulations, you’re pregnant!” the nurse said. My progesterone and hcG levels were well above the base range. She added that I needed to get another blood test in two days to double check that the hcG levels were rising.

I finally started to believe it.

Trying for a baby

November 2018: 

CCRM gave me a whole packet of papers. One of them had a list of sperm banks. One of the nurses had put a star by the Seattle Sperm Bank because she likes working with them. She said they are "in it for the right reasons and really want to help people start families." 

So I started looking for donors to help me have a baby at the Seattle Sperm Bank. There were lots of choices, with all sorts of facial features and characteristics and health background. I narrowed my choices down to about 25 favorites, and then looked at extended profiles with my sister and friends. My mom even came to work one day because she was going to visit Bible Study with me on Monday night, and she looked through a couple of profiles with my partner teacher and I. I knew it was strange for her. This whole process was strange for her. We all finally agreed on a donor named “Fredrik.”

Fredrik had brown hair and blue eyes. 

The staff impressions on the website said, “Fredrik is a statuesque donor with a magnetic personality. With his tall and well-built frame, full head of dark hair, tan skin, blue eyes, dimples, and a square jawline, he is strikingly handsome. In addition to being attractive, Fredrik is a well-rounded donor who is highly educated, confident, friendly, and approachable. He is hardworking in both his professional and athletic pursuits, competing in triathlons when his busy work and family schedules allow him to do so. We are excited to have Fredrik in our program.”

My nephew, B, actually looked briefly at his profile with me and I had to explain that, since I didn’t have a daddy to help me have a baby, I had to look at donor daddies on the Internet.

I bought three units from Fredrik to help me have a baby. They were shipped to the lab at CCRM. Then I started my first cycle to try to get pregnant in November. I had to track my ovulation by peeing into a cup and dipping the ovulation tracker in to check when I was ovulating. If I got a blinking smiley face, it was “high” ovulation, but if I got a solid smiley, it was peak ovulation and I was having a surge, which meant I should be inseminated the next day. I checked starting on a Wednesday, and got a surge on Saturday. That meant that I had to go in on Sunday for the IUI. 

Also, on Saturday I had to take a trigger shot. It was called Ovidrel and was a simple shot that went into the stomach. The medicine would make sure my egg dropped to be ready for fertilization. I had my brother-in-law do it, because he got all excited to do it, and because I couldn’t stand the idea of doing it myself. I was glad I went over there, because Ben seemed to know just what to do and gave me the shot professionally and easily.

The Denver office wasn’t open on Sunday, so they had curried Fredrik’s specimen to the Lone Tree office, which was about 1.5 hours away. 

SO, my lovely sister said she would come with me. We drove to Lone Tree on Nov. 18. The office was nice and huge. I had to go downstairs to a lab to sign out the specimen. Then I had to walk it carefully upstairs to the waiting room. A nurse called me back and the procedure was over in about 5 minutes. She put in a speculum, put in a catheter, inserted the specimen and said, “I know, least sexy way to get pregnant!” which definitely eased my tension and made me chuckle. She was so sweet. She also had great bedside manner and talked me through the whole thing calmly and sweetly.

Afterwards, Danielle and I went to IKEA to buy furniture for my bedroom.

I had to wait two weeks to take a pregnancy test. I went in for a blood test a week after the IUI (Intrauturine insemination) to check my progesterone level, which should rise in the second half of a cycle. My progesterone level was low, so I started taking a pill to help build the lining of my uturus. 

I took the pregnancy test. It was negative, and I was sad. Especially because the emotions of those two weeks was so much! I was so hopeful and optimistic and excited and nervous. My tummy would hurt a little and I would wonder if it was because my ovaries were working hard to get a baby started!

I called CCRM to let them know, and they said, OK, let’s start another cycle! So I had to do it all again. But, I did one thing differently. The nurse called me and said, “Do you want to do natural or medicated?” The first round had been natural, where I waited from day one of my cycle to day 10 and started checking ovulation. Then went in for insemination. The medicated round meant that I would take a medication to develop more than one egg for fertilization. This meant a small chance of twins, but also a more likely chance of at least one of them being fertilized. At first, I said, “Let’s do natural again” and I hung up with the nurse, but then I called my good frined from Westminster, A, and said, “AHH, WHAT DO YOU THINK?” And she said, “Go all in. Do medicated!"

I called the nurse back and told her I wanted to do medicated. She said this meant I needed to go in the next morning for an ultrasound to check my follicle size. 

To be continued...

How a baby is made...

I decided to start a blog up again because I miss writing and I can document what this past year has been like. I've been privately writing about the process of having a baby, so I'm going to start there, posting those stories here. Enjoy. :)

The story starts in August 2018. My Westminster friends and I had a lovely night of facials, a concert and sampling Ukrainian flavored vodka, since I'd just returned from a lovely trip to Ukraine after many years away. I was lamenting the fact that I was still single and had never had a family. My friend B said, “You kind of suck at dating. But you don’t actually need a man to have a baby. What do you want more, a husband or a baby?” I'm paraphrasing, but she did say I suck at dating. I still bring that up to everyone when I tell this story.

“Well, both,” I said. 

“But what can you control?” she asked in the usual manner of a teacher leading a student to the correct answer.

The idea of having a child outside of the traditional manner of having a family had never even occurred to me. Never crossed my mind. I had already started mourning the fact that I would never have children.

I laughed it off at first, but I kept thinking about it. What would it take to have a baby? What would I have to do? At first, my friends and I wondered if I could do it on my own. Could I like, buy the specimen and insert it myself? The Internet made it seem doable. Getting a legitimate sperm bank to send me the specimen was not. I went to visit an OB/GYN doctor. She referred me to the Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine.

When I told my sister I wanted to try and have a baby, we were biking into Fort Collins at the time. She almost cried. “You will be such a good mom!” she said. She was so excited for me. “I hope that I can be a parent to your child just like you’ve been to mine!” she said.

I told my brother and parents while we were having a Labor Day barbecue at Boyd Lake. “Ohhhh, wow!!!” my mom said. Her eyes were big and kind of excited. “What would God say about this?!” But then later, she said, “I’m not sure what God thinks but I say, ‘Let’s do this!’” That warmed my heart. My brother’s reaction was kind of like, “Oh interesting.” And my dad’s reaction was hard to read. He was worried about me trying to do it alone.

My best friend took the news well, but, ever the realist, later looked me in the eyes and said, "Are you sure you're ready for this?" She has an adorable little two-year-old boy. His birth and first year of life were challenging, not only because she had an extremely difficult birth and recovery, but also because she, like me, had a child in her late 30s and it was a difficult transition from basically being single to raising an exuberant little boy. "Um, I think so?" I said.

And as I thought about that, what it would be like to have a child, several thoughts went through my head. I could see into the future and the regret I would feel if I'd never had a baby. I remember being around 32 and thinking, "I'm finally grown up. If the opportunity presents itself, I'd love to have kids." I was ready. When I thought about the challenge of sleepless nights, etc., I heard another friend saying in my head, "At some point, you quit thinking of yourself as single and you grow up and have that kid! You're never going to be 'ready.' You just gotta do it if you feel it's time." I also could feel the pain in my heart every time another birthday came and went and I was still alone and single, while I watched my sister experience the joy (and yes, struggles) of raising her two boys. I desperately wanted that experience. I might come to think differently, but I wanted my own little person in my life, to experience life through his or her little eyes.

I met with a doctor from CCRM. She was very nice, but very realistic. She said pregnancy is not as likely for someone “my age.” Because I was 38, almost 39, the chances of getting pregnant were lower. But she also said, “I’m excited for you!” She said I had a 5 percent chance of getting pregnant.

They made me take lots of tests, which meant going in for blood work, an ultrasound and an “HSG test” which checked that my Fallopian tubes were working. I also had to go to a regular gynecologist to have a Pap Smear. I told the doctor there what I wanted to do. I wanted to have a baby on my own. Her reaction was the funniest yet. The other doctors had been very professional in their opinions and just told me the next steps to take. This older gynecologist had a shocked reaction. Her eyes got big and she said, “You want to do what? Well, that sure is brave! Wow, that’s so interesting!” Before I left, she said, “Stay in touch and let me know how it goes!”

I was worried about what my parents really thought. On the way home from work one day, Mom called me about something and eventually I asked her, “What do you  really think about me having a baby?” 

“Of course I am supportive!” she said. “This will be wonderful. God will open the doors for you if it’s meant to happen!” That made me feel better.

I still avoided bringing it up in Dad’s presence and finally asked him outright, “What do you think, Dad?”

“I think it will be hard but like you’ve said, you have a great support system around you,” he said. 

On Nov. 21, my nephew E hung out at my house for a bit. I had this funny conversation with him: 

E: Did you know that you act like a mommy sometimes?

J: I do? Like when I tell you what to do? Did you know that maybe I will have a baby?

E: Uh huh. Did you know that mommy saved your baby?

J: Huh? What do you mean?

E: Mommy saved your baby. It was about to die and she saved it.

J: HUH? Was that a dream? Where did that come from?

E: Hmm. Yeah, it was a dream.

(Luckily, my sister never had to save my baby).

To be continued...