Friday, September 17, 2010

They fart and send us a press release

People have an inflated opinion about themselves. My fellow reporter at a newspaper and I were discussing this today. We don't do investigative reporting. We leave that to big cities and TV. And is it harsh to say that we really don't care about most of the piddling things that go on in your lives? I personally, if I knew you, maybe I'd care. But as a newspaper? No, not really. Sorry.

A bird is in my tree, you should send a photographer.

My event is happening in 10 minutes. Can a photographer make it out?

My employee is being promoted. I'd like it announced in the paper.

My 92-year-old friend is participating in a golf competition today. Great story, right? She's 92!

I sent in a photo of the largest fish caught in the world. I haven't seen it in the newspaper yet. Why hasn't it been put in the paper?

And speaking of my fish photo, have you seen that picture? It's so cute, we should look at it together. Isn't it a great picture? What do you think of it? Don't you love it?

I have an important news story that the paper should report on. Let's sit down and I'll tell you the story. Starting from when I was born and how every person has screwed me over in my entire life up until the present time. The story I'd like published is unrelated to this but also involves people screwing me over and killing my pets.

I send 75 press releases to you a week. Why aren't my for-profit events in your free community brief section (which are devoted to nonprofit and/or free events)?

And if you're not interested in the fact that my medical insurance has totally messed up my life than I'm going to 9 News or another major television news station to get this story reported on because PEOPLE NEED TO KNOW.

1 comment:

  1. Jessica, you are gifted, and we should see your byline in the paper everyday. No this is not your mother, it's your friend Mary, the receptionist.